look no pants
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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