Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
