I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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