I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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