listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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