i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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