if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
