My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
