I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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