I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize