My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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