You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
