so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
