I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
