I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
