I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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