According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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