i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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