you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
