apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
