Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
