Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
