i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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