im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
