Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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