Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
