matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
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