I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
People in love make me want to vomit
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
