Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
