he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
