Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
