Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
PANTIES FOUND
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
