So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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