cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
