after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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