Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize