note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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