please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
