Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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