I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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