insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
