don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
My feet surprised me
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