i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
