God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
