so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
