Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I deserve this hangover.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
