i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
