what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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