New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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