Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
