I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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