So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
