I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
