I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
