He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize