Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
