shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
