I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
