I wannas sexs uuuuu
your room smells of hookers.
And success
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
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