someone get that fucking seahorse.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
How does one acquire holy water?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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