I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
