Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
