Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
operation have a gay friend backfired
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
