Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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