i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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