I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
