I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize