I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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