I think i sorta joined a cult last night
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
