My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Randomize
